Forgiveness is such an important matter because if you can’t forgive you compromise your future. You tie yourself to the past in cycles of regret and revenge. You must absolve those who have wronged you because if you don’t, you won’t be able to move on.
And yet, true forgiveness is very difficult. Put it this way. Some things are easy to forgive – lateness for a meeting; an email unanswered; an angry word. But do we really forgive in these cases? Don’t we rather just say, ‘Oh, not a problem’. Or we gain some understanding about what happened, and that explains it. Or we forget what happened and so no longer really care anyway.
The things that are truly difficult to forgive are different. You can’t say to the terrorist who maims, it’s not a problem. Nor can you understand the uncle who abused the child. And yet, these are the kind of experiences or incidents that would dog us for the rest of our lives. They are probably impossible to let go of. And yet, that’s exactly why forgiveness would be so valuable: a freer future would become possible. ‘Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive,’ wrote C.S. Lewis.
Forgiveness is a growing concern in therapy. Psychologists have techniques to help you let go. Don’t over-dramatise, they might say. Or see the bigger picture. Or take the other person’s point of view. But aren’t these really strategies for lessening the desire for revenge. If you can see it from the other person’s point of view then maybe there wasn’t so much to forgive anyway.
There are also reasons why forgiveness might be thought morally dubious. Isn’t it better to search out the terrorist or abuser and bring them to justice? Punishment is the appropriate response to really bad things not, some say, excusing them by forgiveness.
Perhaps, Nelson Mandela, a man who knows a thing or two about forgiveness, can help. ‘True reconciliation,’ he wrote, ‘does not consist in merely forgetting the past.’ That word ‘reconciliation’ is key. It’s important because it demands much from the perpetrator as well as the victim – not least facing up squarely to the harm that’s been done. It says: you and I are in this together. It’s not just me that has no future if I don’t forgive. You’ll be dogged by your sins too.
Mark Vernon’s new book is The Good Life (Hodder). See thegoodlifequiz.com
On mercy: http://whileyouweresleeping.tumblr.com/post/1384244131/9-mercy
(taken from André Comte-Sponville's book, A Small Treatise on the Great Virtues)
Posted by: Anna | November 19, 2010 at 07:03 PM