Who said that love is a French speciality? A recent survey shows that more than half of young Britons (far more than other young Europeans) believe that the most important factor for their happiness is love. But the survey did not specify which kind. Did they mean passionate love (what the Greeks called eros) that is characterised by sexual desire, longing, jealousy and heightened awareness, the inspiration for so many literary masterpieces? Eros is not tranquil – it gives us spikes of happiness rather than a constant feeling of wellbeing. It's the love we feel at the beginning of a love affair and corresponds to the expression "falling in love" since it is as involuntary an impulse as a physical fall.
Very different from eros is philia, a serene love much more akin to friendship, with its reciprocal kindnesses. You love each other for the happy experiences and pleasures you share. It's the kind of love that makes for long-lasting relationships – as long as one of the couple doesn't feel nostalgic for the hectic eros and go off to find it with someone else.
And finally, one can dream of attaining the third type of love, agape – a selfless love that only wants the best for the other person. It can apply to the love of mankind as taught by Christ or Buddha, but also to the love you feel for your partner, even when they no longer love you back. Agape brings happiness to those who bestow it.
As youth is often the time for eros, I tend to think that the young people questioned for the survey were mostly thinking of that. They meant that feeling where one risks everything, including sleep and sometimes one's health, for a few peaks of happiness – which are not always shared. Of course eros does not last (not more than two years, according to certain neurobiologists) if it is not gradually backed up by philia and agape, the two components common to all happy, stable relationships. Let's wish young Britons the good fortune of experiencing all three of these types of love.
François Lelord is the author of Hector and the Secrets of Love (Gallic Books, £7.99).
Photograph by Nick Cunnard www.nickcunard.co.uk
C.S. Lewis's famous 'The Four Loves' also includes 'Storge' love - such as the affection between family members.
Posted by: andrew | February 18, 2011 at 04:05 AM